Honest Answers From A Guy…

Welcome to the first ‘Honest Answers…’ round table. The round table will be a semi-recurring feature with other rotating male and female panelists responding to a given question. Over time, these will become more discussion-centric, but for the first couple of posts, they’ll just be the individual responses so that readers can get to know the panelists better! Also for these first couple, I will not be responding, but when the discussion starts, I’ll be moderating!

My husband decided that his “friend” could not come over and finish carpeting our home while he or my son was not at home. In other words, when I was home alone with him. He said that it is because “Joe” had cheated on his wife, it was wrong, and he did not trust him. I called my husband a butt head (not what I really called him) and that by doing that, he is essentially saying that he does not trust ME or that he thinks I am a total drooling idiot who would not know NOT to end up in a situation with “Joe.” I was really upset. Guess what? He still called “Joe” and told him he would need to come back on another day to finish the carpeting.

I am very angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Read the round table responses: (more…)

I’m a teacher and one of my former students has started calling me. He’s gay, so he doesn’t like me in “that way,” but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a great kid who’s had some problems recently and he really looks up to me. He’ll be leaving for college soon, so I think it will stop soon. I just don’t know what to do. My husband is getting irritated.

Truth be told, there really is no gentle way to let someone down. It’s best to be straightforward and direct, though not overtly cruel about it. Your marriage comes before your former student. It’s a very simple and direct thought.

As I said, talk to the student. Tell him that you are unable to continue providing phone support and that while you appreciated him as a student, you aren’t in a position to continue being his mentor going forward. Tell him that there are other resources available and that in the future, it would be inappropriate to call you at home.

I can’t think of any better way to handle it. Maybe one of my readers can?

Dear MP,

What is your take on “woman’s work” in relation to the home? Do you believe in the 50/50 kinda thing or negotiations?

Part 2: Should a housewife/househusband be solely responsible for the care and upkeep of the home?

Well, I do not believe in traditional gender roles so any notion of ‘women’s work’ (beyond that of birthing a baby after voluntarily deciding to have a child) is ridiculous to me. I firmly believe that housework becomes the responsibility of everybody in the house. The only caveat I make to this is that, if one half stays at home instead of working then they should probably do more around the house. By ’stays at home’ I mean: isn’t taking care of the kids, isn’t working from a home office, and isn’t contributing significantly to the overall support and well-being of the household. Those who have kids or work out of the home should have an amount of housework that is proportionate to what others working external jobs should.

In other words, I think that each member of the household should contribute to it’s upkeep and cleaning in an amount equal to their other contributions. This includes kids older than toddlers (which I define as 5 and up). I’m a single father, so I can’t speak to what a spouse would do here, but in my house currently, my two girls are responsible for cleaning their room, folding their clothes and putting those clothes away. It’s easily within their capabilities, teaches them responsibility, makes for a couple less things I have to worry about, and has become such a habit that I generally don’t need to remind them. They also help lightly with other things such as loading the dishwasher and picking up the living room. The rest of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc is up to me.

In a dual-parent/married with no kids household, things are no different. Each of you will have your tired days where neither of you feels like doing housework, but that’s when equality comes into play. If you each have the support of the other to get things done, it will be much easier. Turn cooking and dishes into a joint effort. Make laundry time into some sort of game. Make vacuuming a fun experience by chasing the cat and watching them run for cover. OK, maybe not that last one, but the point is clear: make housework something you do together and it becomes less burdensome, goes faster and ends arguments about who is supposed to clean the toilets….

If one side or the other wants to argue, be tough. They don’t want to clean the bathroom? Bar them from using it somehow. That’ll change their mind quickly!

What IS it about David Tennant which so beguiles everyone? The straight ladies love him, and both lesbians and straight men seem willing to temporarily jump teams for him and have his baby!
P.S. It’s a little too soon to tell, but this also seems to be happening to a lesser extent with John Barrowman.

Well, it’s like this… they’re HOT. I’m one of those guys who could easily enjoy a dalliance with one of them based upon their screen personas. But let’s make it clear: I wouldn’t have sex with them though I’d have no problems with kissing. In that sense, I doubt I or many men would ’switch teams’ for them. But it’s perfectly ok for men or lesbians to find other men attractive just as I believe straight women and gay men can find women attractive. I firmly believe that relationships have as much to do with non-sexual interaction as sexual.

I have no doubt that if I met the right person and their personality captivated me that male or female I would fall for them. In the case of David Tennant, he has a lot of attractive qualities: he’s funny, smart (even more so ‘in character’), handsome, has that great accent and is not overly buff, which I think would deter many men from finding him handsome. A lot of men think other buff men aren’t all that, but maybe that’s just jealousy. The point is: David isn’t threatening to men any more than he is to women. The same is actually true for John Barrowman.

Plus, and let’s be honest, crushes can be fun, even more so sometimes when you KNOW they can never work out, which is why we tend to talk about our celebrity crushes so readily, right?

So for the sake of openness, here are my top ten male crushes:

1. John Barrowman (IRL he’s even better than Captain Jack IMHO)
2. David Tennant - For all of the reasons said above
3. George Clooney - Because he’s George!
4. Hugh Laurie - Talented, funny, British….
5. David Boreanaz - Also funny and a hunk!
6. Will Smith - Seems very genuine unlike many of his contemporaries and is talented as hell!
7. Colin Ferrell - Need I even explain?
8. Josh Duhamel - developed my crush on his character ‘Danny” on Las Vegas.
9. Ryan Reynolds - what can I say? I like a sense of humor!
10. Milo Ventimiglias - He… just… rocks….

Bonus 11th person: Colin Firth… I can’t believe I forgot about HIM!!!!

So… who are your crushes of the same sex (or different sexual persuasion)?

I feel like I hear from guys a lot that all women want is a guy with a good paycheck to support them. My most recent ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of only being with him for his money. Are there really a lot of women out there who are after guys only for their money? Or am I just running into the guys who have been stung badly in the past?

If there are, I haven’t run into them. I’ve certainly encountered (and dated) women who were turned on by the ability of someone to flash a big wad of cash and drop some dough on major purchases at a moments notice but I’ve never encountered any actual gold diggers.

That said, I’m certain there are women out there who are into guys only hoping to have a ’sugar daddy’ or a meal ticket for life. I’m also certain there are men out there looking for the same thing. I always have to wonder though: where’s their self-respect? IMHO, for a relationship to work out, the people need to have the ability to be equals of a sort. Not necessarily financially. But the drive to be able to support themselves should be as healthy as their drive for supporting each other. Co-dependency is not a good thing for relationships, and I think giving one or the other side any level of ‘control’ outside of consensual sub/dom stuff is a risk of the other controlling and emotionally abusing the one who they feel isn’t ‘equal.’ Again, that’s just my opinion.

It’s also been ingrained into the culture over the years (though now it’s turned into more of a joke, I think) that women should ‘marry rich.’ I think women are more self-supporting than that these days but the mentality is still out there. Hell, even in movies and TV a lot of times, the comment is made, though again, I think mostly in jest.

If your next boyfriend feels that way, it’s you have a discussion with him. As always, when in doubt, talk it out…. Find out what’s really going on in his head, because if he thinks that at all now, it’s a low level of continual distrust and insecurity the will poison the relationship. You don’t want it to fester and grow, so address it calmly and considerately sooner than later if it comes up.

Does it turn men on when women are interested in “men” things (ie., cars)?

This will be a short one tonight, as I really don’t have an answer for this. I. myself, could care less about most ‘men’ things such as cars, sports, weights, and so on. I would say it is a bit of a turn-on when the woman shares interests with you and so that could expand to those areas. It may also be a turn-on to break out of traditional gender-roles. Truthfully, I’m just not certain!

Anyone else care to comment on this one?

On a different note: BellaDonna, please email me and tell me who you are as I want to talk to you about co-authoring something! (advice @ mindlesspursuits.com)

I gotta question… push-up bras - false advertising or a good thing?

Both? I suspect that way back in the dawn of time, when a man first discovered the loin cloth, it wasn’t for protection so much as to hide that he was less well-endowed than his fellow males. After all, who could argue? They couldn’t see the goods! So he talked up the size of his trunk to get a mate and then they may or may not have been unhappy when they got back to the cave. It all depends upon how he wielded his club, I guess!

Through the ages, the false advertising on both sides has subtly shifted and altered, from girdles to the way swimsuits are cut to better flatter a particular figure to colognes and perfumes designed to create a falsely attractive scent. It seems to be in man and woman’s nature to put forth a potentially false image of themselves. Is this a bad thing? Only if it’s all you are putting forth or if the guy (or woman) is a complete ass only interested in that ONE thing!

As cliche as it sounds, what matters most is that person behind the ad, the one who came up with how to package themselves. If that person is appealing, long-term it’s going to be about more than just looks. If you want to put a little false advertising out there to get them to take a peek so that they can eventually get to know that person, hey - I’m OK with that. But if all you do is wrap yourself up in illusion and nothing more, then don’t be surprised if you end up with someone different in your life than you truly wanted.

If a guy rules out a girl to date for fairly good, but not 100% solid/forever (in the girl’s opinion) reasons, what are the chances such a guy - in this case one who thinks he’s always right - will change his mind?

I’d really like to know how you know he ruled you out and why. Since I don’t, and I forgot to add emails to the question form (an oversight now corrected), I have no way of contacting you to find out! So I’ll take my best guess at this and as always, it’ll be my my past experience.

Based solely upon your question, I’d say it’s pretty low. The ‘one who thinks he’s always right’ being the key. If he is never wrong, in his opinion, what will make him change his mind about the reasons he gave? Also, when ‘ruling out’ a girl and telling them so, it seems pretty indicative that he doesn’t foresee it ever changing.

For myself, I only rule out people when I’m taken, for obvious reasons. But if I were to rule out someone when I’m not taken, I’m fairly confident that I’d not go for a second look later, just because at that point, they would have most likely shifted to ‘the friend zone’ or we wouldn’t be talking, depending upon how she took it. If you want to get a hold of me and give me more info, I’d be happy to revise my thoughts!

Important thing to remember, when stating that you will still be answering questions over the weekend: make certain you actually schedule the answers to post! Sorry, all… brain-fart here. Questions and answers will be back tomorrow!

How do I deal with a crush from a straight man, who is a friend of mine?
I’m happy it’s not a co-worker, since that could become awkward. I still am friendly with him, but I don’t want to put any ideas in his head. I am “out”, btw.

[Quick Note - I followed up with the person who submitted this question just to clarify if I thought he really had a crush or not. After talking with her, I'm certain he does.]

Hmmmm… Here’s my initial thought: a crush is a crush, and unrequited affection is still unrequited affection whether either party is straight or gay. Ultimately, it’s all about one individual having feelings of affection that aren’t shared at the same level by the other. As such, I don’t think there’s a difference in how you would deal with this versus it happening between two heterosexuals.

 The idea here is to let them down gently because they are your friend but you have to understand that no matter how gently you approach it, they’re going to feel awkward and potentially hurt by the disappointment. You can’t control it and you aren’t responsible for it. That’s why it’s unrequited. So don’t hesitate or do the “it’s not you, it’s me” bit that is so popular. The way I see it, you have two choices:

1. You try to subtly let him down. This would likely involve playing up any dates you may have to make it clear that you are involved elsewhere. If you have no dates, you play up other plans to show you aren’t thinking about him. The problem is that subtlety is a fine art and is lost on most people. Which leaves option #2.
2. You use the direct but friendly communication approach. In this, you sit him down and talk it out with him in a non-threatening way. In your case, based upon what you told me about his buying you gifts, I would recommend sitting him (we’ll call him Peter) down and using said gifts as your opener. Something along the lines of “Peter, I feel kind of awkward about the gifts you’ve been giving me. Can we talk about why I don’t feel you should be giving me gifts?” and then segue into how you are not attracted to him despite liking him as a friend, how you do not find men attractive, how you will not now or in the future be open to a relationship with him. Directness is important. Do not be ambiguous to try and spare his feelings. Tell it straight. He will likely be hurt at first, and may try to deny it, but in the end it’s better for both of you to have it on the table. At worst, he becomes bitter because he feels he wasn’t given a chance. Remember, you cant control his feelings. You can only control how you react to him. Stay polite but firm.

Having had my own unrequited crushes in the past, I know that I prefer option #2 to option #1 because it was easier to understand, process and move on with than #1 was. Number one left me feeling many times like there was still hope.

Ultimately, you will probably feel bad for whatever reaction he gives, but remember, it’s better to be direct and move on than to keep things as they are. Allowing an unrequited affection to linger is just cruel. That’s my two cents….