Honest Answers From A Guy…

At what point in a relationship would you tell someone that you love them (assuming that you do)? My ex told me he loved me pretty early on, and maybe he did, but why did he then break up with me? (you don’t have to answer that!). I think to women saying ‘I love you’ implies a longer term commitment, whereas maybe to a man it’s just a phrase that rolls easily off the tongue.

I really struggled with this question. This is one of the first questions that I received, but it brought up in me all of these things that I struggle with on a continuing basis. I even thought about pretending not to have received it, but then that would be less than honest, and contrary to the spirit of this blog. If I run away from the difficult questions, then this blog becomes a sham. So after a couple of weeks of thought, here’s my answer and since it will be long, it’s hidden behind a cut so as not to consume the entire front page…. (more…)

Welcome to the first ‘Honest Answers…’ round table. The round table will be a semi-recurring feature with other rotating male and female panelists responding to a given question. Over time, these will become more discussion-centric, but for the first couple of posts, they’ll just be the individual responses so that readers can get to know the panelists better! Also for these first couple, I will not be responding, but when the discussion starts, I’ll be moderating!

My husband decided that his “friend” could not come over and finish carpeting our home while he or my son was not at home. In other words, when I was home alone with him. He said that it is because “Joe” had cheated on his wife, it was wrong, and he did not trust him. I called my husband a butt head (not what I really called him) and that by doing that, he is essentially saying that he does not trust ME or that he thinks I am a total drooling idiot who would not know NOT to end up in a situation with “Joe.” I was really upset. Guess what? He still called “Joe” and told him he would need to come back on another day to finish the carpeting.

I am very angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Read the round table responses: (more…)

Dear MP,

What is your take on “woman’s work” in relation to the home? Do you believe in the 50/50 kinda thing or negotiations?

Part 2: Should a housewife/househusband be solely responsible for the care and upkeep of the home?

Well, I do not believe in traditional gender roles so any notion of ‘women’s work’ (beyond that of birthing a baby after voluntarily deciding to have a child) is ridiculous to me. I firmly believe that housework becomes the responsibility of everybody in the house. The only caveat I make to this is that, if one half stays at home instead of working then they should probably do more around the house. By ’stays at home’ I mean: isn’t taking care of the kids, isn’t working from a home office, and isn’t contributing significantly to the overall support and well-being of the household. Those who have kids or work out of the home should have an amount of housework that is proportionate to what others working external jobs should.

In other words, I think that each member of the household should contribute to it’s upkeep and cleaning in an amount equal to their other contributions. This includes kids older than toddlers (which I define as 5 and up). I’m a single father, so I can’t speak to what a spouse would do here, but in my house currently, my two girls are responsible for cleaning their room, folding their clothes and putting those clothes away. It’s easily within their capabilities, teaches them responsibility, makes for a couple less things I have to worry about, and has become such a habit that I generally don’t need to remind them. They also help lightly with other things such as loading the dishwasher and picking up the living room. The rest of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc is up to me.

In a dual-parent/married with no kids household, things are no different. Each of you will have your tired days where neither of you feels like doing housework, but that’s when equality comes into play. If you each have the support of the other to get things done, it will be much easier. Turn cooking and dishes into a joint effort. Make laundry time into some sort of game. Make vacuuming a fun experience by chasing the cat and watching them run for cover. OK, maybe not that last one, but the point is clear: make housework something you do together and it becomes less burdensome, goes faster and ends arguments about who is supposed to clean the toilets….

If one side or the other wants to argue, be tough. They don’t want to clean the bathroom? Bar them from using it somehow. That’ll change their mind quickly!

I feel like I hear from guys a lot that all women want is a guy with a good paycheck to support them. My most recent ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of only being with him for his money. Are there really a lot of women out there who are after guys only for their money? Or am I just running into the guys who have been stung badly in the past?

If there are, I haven’t run into them. I’ve certainly encountered (and dated) women who were turned on by the ability of someone to flash a big wad of cash and drop some dough on major purchases at a moments notice but I’ve never encountered any actual gold diggers.

That said, I’m certain there are women out there who are into guys only hoping to have a ’sugar daddy’ or a meal ticket for life. I’m also certain there are men out there looking for the same thing. I always have to wonder though: where’s their self-respect? IMHO, for a relationship to work out, the people need to have the ability to be equals of a sort. Not necessarily financially. But the drive to be able to support themselves should be as healthy as their drive for supporting each other. Co-dependency is not a good thing for relationships, and I think giving one or the other side any level of ‘control’ outside of consensual sub/dom stuff is a risk of the other controlling and emotionally abusing the one who they feel isn’t ‘equal.’ Again, that’s just my opinion.

It’s also been ingrained into the culture over the years (though now it’s turned into more of a joke, I think) that women should ‘marry rich.’ I think women are more self-supporting than that these days but the mentality is still out there. Hell, even in movies and TV a lot of times, the comment is made, though again, I think mostly in jest.

If your next boyfriend feels that way, it’s you have a discussion with him. As always, when in doubt, talk it out…. Find out what’s really going on in his head, because if he thinks that at all now, it’s a low level of continual distrust and insecurity the will poison the relationship. You don’t want it to fester and grow, so address it calmly and considerately sooner than later if it comes up.

If a guy rules out a girl to date for fairly good, but not 100% solid/forever (in the girl’s opinion) reasons, what are the chances such a guy - in this case one who thinks he’s always right - will change his mind?

I’d really like to know how you know he ruled you out and why. Since I don’t, and I forgot to add emails to the question form (an oversight now corrected), I have no way of contacting you to find out! So I’ll take my best guess at this and as always, it’ll be my my past experience.

Based solely upon your question, I’d say it’s pretty low. The ‘one who thinks he’s always right’ being the key. If he is never wrong, in his opinion, what will make him change his mind about the reasons he gave? Also, when ‘ruling out’ a girl and telling them so, it seems pretty indicative that he doesn’t foresee it ever changing.

For myself, I only rule out people when I’m taken, for obvious reasons. But if I were to rule out someone when I’m not taken, I’m fairly confident that I’d not go for a second look later, just because at that point, they would have most likely shifted to ‘the friend zone’ or we wouldn’t be talking, depending upon how she took it. If you want to get a hold of me and give me more info, I’d be happy to revise my thoughts!

The biggest question of all: Do some guys REALLY like to cuddle? Is it always a line?? (And if not, I think I’ll need you to cuddle me to cheer me up, tehe.) If they only like to cuddle after sex slash horniness is over, but actually like it a lot then, I’ll be OK.

The short answer is the cop-out answer: some of them do and sometimes it is. I’m certain there are guys out there that dislike cuddling. I can’t imagine why. I like cuddling. I like that feeling of closeness with my partner at any time, not just after sex. I like the feel of her in my arms, knowing that she wants to be there and that we can relax and be comfortable together. It’s a warm and pleasant feeling for me.

Do all men feel that way? Probably not. Stereotypes usually begin with truth somewhere. As always, if it’s important to you, talk about it. As I say: When in doubt, talk it out….

In the meantime, some interesting links on cuddling:

http://www.wikihow.com/Cuddle

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-avoid-trapped-arm-whilst-cuddling-in-bed

 http://xkcd.com/335/

(and if I wasn’t taken already, I’d totally take you up on that cuddling offer…. )

To get the ball rolling, here’s one that I fielded on Etsy recently:

sadieville136 says:
OK, I’ve got one for you.

I met a guy, had great evening together. We’re meeting up again here shortly (this is a long distance thing).

Sex, or no sex on the next date? The first date involved some nice kissing.

If you want to have sex, have sex. You’ve met once. You’ve been talking for a while (from what I read). Here’s the simple truth: you can never be certain if the person you are going to meet is really going to be in it for the long-term or not. One, two, seven dates… when is your heart less involved? It isn’t, generally. Instead, it gets more involved and the longer you go, the greater chance of getting hurt and the hurt can grow because of the growing feeling. (more…)