How do I deal with a crush from a straight man, who is a friend of mine?
I’m happy it’s not a co-worker, since that could become awkward. I still am friendly with him, but I don’t want to put any ideas in his head. I am “out”, btw.
[Quick Note - I followed up with the person who submitted this question just to clarify if I thought he really had a crush or not. After talking with her, I'm certain he does.]
Hmmmm… Here’s my initial thought: a crush is a crush, and unrequited affection is still unrequited affection whether either party is straight or gay. Ultimately, it’s all about one individual having feelings of affection that aren’t shared at the same level by the other. As such, I don’t think there’s a difference in how you would deal with this versus it happening between two heterosexuals.
The idea here is to let them down gently because they are your friend but you have to understand that no matter how gently you approach it, they’re going to feel awkward and potentially hurt by the disappointment. You can’t control it and you aren’t responsible for it. That’s why it’s unrequited. So don’t hesitate or do the “it’s not you, it’s me” bit that is so popular. The way I see it, you have two choices:
- You try to subtly let him down. This would likely involve playing up any dates you may have to make it clear that you are involved elsewhere. If you have no dates, you play up other plans to show you aren’t thinking about him. The problem is that subtlety is a fine art and is lost on most people. Which leaves option #2.
- You use the direct but friendly communication approach. In this, you sit him down and talk it out with him in a non-threatening way. In your case, based upon what you told me about his buying you gifts, I would recommend sitting him (we’ll call him Peter) down and using said gifts as your opener. Something along the lines of “Peter, I feel kind of awkward about the gifts you’ve been giving me. Can we talk about why I don’t feel you should be giving me gifts?” and then segue into how you are not attracted to him despite liking him as a friend, how you do not find men attractive, how you will not now or in the future be open to a relationship with him. Directness is important. Do not be ambiguous to try and spare his feelings. Tell it straight. He will likely be hurt at first, and may try to deny it, but in the end it’s better for both of you to have it on the table. At worst, he becomes bitter because he feels he wasn’t given a chance. Remember, you cant control his feelings. You can only control how you react to him. Stay polite but firm.
Having had my own unrequited crushes in the past, I know that I prefer option #2 to option #1 because it was easier to understand, process and move on with than #1 was. Number one left me feeling many times like there was still hope.
Ultimately, you will probably feel bad for whatever reaction he gives, but remember, it’s better to be direct and move on than to keep things as they are. Allowing an unrequited affection to linger is just cruel. That’s my two cents….