Honest Answers From A Guy…

How much do men really care about a woman’s body? Stretch marks? A little extra flab? What is the breaking point?

There are as many different answers to this as there are men. The same I believe would be true if it were asked of women about men. With that many different answers to cover… my head would explode. Seeing as I just cleaned this place and brain matter is a definite ‘we’ll keep your deposit’ cleaning issue, I’ll have to pass on that.

So as usual, I’ll speak only to my own thoughts and experiences and that means I’ll have to speak to my own preferences….

*crickets*

Hmmm… I don’t have much in the way of preferences, when I think about it. What few I do have I’ll come back to. Let me instead speak to whom I’ve dated, though I will not name any names for obvious reasons.

I’ve dated a woman with a tattoo, which once upon a time I wouldn’t have thought would ever happen.

I’ve dated women with glasses and those without.

I’ve dated a woman who was missing teeth. I knew why they were missing and could sympathise so it didn’t bother me. (Frankly, I have my own teeth issues as a result of everything I’ve been through, and for neither that woman nor myself was the issue a lack of brushing and care.)

There was the woman who had larger breasts and when she lost weight, they became less firm and gravity did it’s thing with time so she was very self-conscious about them. Before we broke up, she told me that she finally felt sexy about them after being with me. She was sexy, but it really had nothing to do with her chest. it was all in her attitude. I just didn’t have any dislike of what she thought was her worst feature and that helped her to see it the same way.

Another woman I dated was considerably overweight. Actually, a couple of women I’ve dated have been overweight, but that has never mattered to me either. They were still attractive for many reasons.

I’ve dated a woman with a prosthetic leg. There were certain things I enjoy doing that we couldn’t do, but it didn’t really bother me.

There are other examples that come to mind, but none that I can ably describe and by now, I think I’ve made my point about myself: I am attracted to personalities as much as outward appearances. Yes, there are certain physical traits that will catch my eye more than others, but I don’t recall ever not being attracted to a woman just because she didn’t have all of them. So what are the things that can catch my eye for an immediate second glance?

• Shoulder-length red hair - yet I’ve married two blonds
• Glasses - I just have that girls with glasses fetish, I guess
• Clothing - yes, I am a sucker for distinct styles of dress
• Eyes - Bright, inquisitive eyes that show life

And that’s pretty much it. But as I said, they don’t really sway how attracted I am to someone. Getting to know that person a bit, it’s the personalities that draw me in and make me believe someone is totally desirable.

For those who wonder about what celebrity body types i like, since I’m unlikely to know many of them personally, my answer is this: I like everyone from Camryn Manheim to Alyson Hannigan to Diane Lane to Caroline Rhea…. So you tell me if there’s a trend there!

So… what are your breaking points?

At what point in a relationship would you tell someone that you love them (assuming that you do)? My ex told me he loved me pretty early on, and maybe he did, but why did he then break up with me? (you don’t have to answer that!). I think to women saying ‘I love you’ implies a longer term commitment, whereas maybe to a man it’s just a phrase that rolls easily off the tongue.

I really struggled with this question. This is one of the first questions that I received, but it brought up in me all of these things that I struggle with on a continuing basis. I even thought about pretending not to have received it, but then that would be less than honest, and contrary to the spirit of this blog. If I run away from the difficult questions, then this blog becomes a sham. So after a couple of weeks of thought, here’s my answer and since it will be long, it’s hidden behind a cut so as not to consume the entire front page…. Read the rest of this entry »

Why is it that the man in my life can never find anything? I always put everything in the refrigerator in the same location, but he will open the door, stare, and say “where’s the ketchup?” I’ve talked to my friends and they have the same issue. What gives? Is he blind or lazy ^_^

Blind? Maybe! I can’t count the number of times I’ve stood and stared into the refrigerator looking for the bottle of raspberry tea I knew I had stuck in there earlier, only to have it sitting right in front of me but apparently completely out of my field of vision at the same time. Even worse is when I’m looking for my keys everywhere and they are hanging on the hook by the door, which is where I want them to be. It’s why I put the hook there!

Lazy though? No way, and here’s my pretty much facetious answer (as I have no real explanation): we men are hunter-gatherers by nature. We need to be successful in the hunt to be satisfied and thus we turn a blind eye to anything that is too easy. This applies to everything from food in the refrigerator to putting toilet paper on the holder! I mean, really! Where’s the thrill of the hunt if the toilet paper is right there at the ready! No, caveman Grogg must hunt roll. Must seek it out from back of toilet, from under cabinet, from under the bed where the sabretooth cat took it (don’t ask…).

Don’t get Grogg started on mystery of magic clothes that appear on bent sticks in walk-in cave off of bedrock. Grogg must hunt through piles of unfolded loincloths to capture runaway socks for Grogg’s feet. Neatly folded linens in walk-in cave scare Grogg. [OK - enough of that joke. Even I'm bored now!]

I guess all I can do is offer an excuse, and in my case it’s going to be: my bi-focals have a blind spot!

Welcome to the first ‘Honest Answers…’ round table. The round table will be a semi-recurring feature with other rotating male and female panelists responding to a given question. Over time, these will become more discussion-centric, but for the first couple of posts, they’ll just be the individual responses so that readers can get to know the panelists better! Also for these first couple, I will not be responding, but when the discussion starts, I’ll be moderating!

My husband decided that his “friend” could not come over and finish carpeting our home while he or my son was not at home. In other words, when I was home alone with him. He said that it is because “Joe” had cheated on his wife, it was wrong, and he did not trust him. I called my husband a butt head (not what I really called him) and that by doing that, he is essentially saying that he does not trust ME or that he thinks I am a total drooling idiot who would not know NOT to end up in a situation with “Joe.” I was really upset. Guess what? He still called “Joe” and told him he would need to come back on another day to finish the carpeting.

I am very angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Read the round table responses: Read the rest of this entry »

I’m a teacher and one of my former students has started calling me. He’s gay, so he doesn’t like me in “that way,” but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a great kid who’s had some problems recently and he really looks up to me. He’ll be leaving for college soon, so I think it will stop soon. I just don’t know what to do. My husband is getting irritated.

Truth be told, there really is no gentle way to let someone down. It’s best to be straightforward and direct, though not overtly cruel about it. Your marriage comes before your former student. It’s a very simple and direct thought.

As I said, talk to the student. Tell him that you are unable to continue providing phone support and that while you appreciated him as a student, you aren’t in a position to continue being his mentor going forward. Tell him that there are other resources available and that in the future, it would be inappropriate to call you at home.

I can’t think of any better way to handle it. Maybe one of my readers can?

Dear MP,

What is your take on “woman’s work” in relation to the home? Do you believe in the 50/50 kinda thing or negotiations?

Part 2: Should a housewife/househusband be solely responsible for the care and upkeep of the home?

Well, I do not believe in traditional gender roles so any notion of ‘women’s work’ (beyond that of birthing a baby after voluntarily deciding to have a child) is ridiculous to me. I firmly believe that housework becomes the responsibility of everybody in the house. The only caveat I make to this is that, if one half stays at home instead of working then they should probably do more around the house. By ’stays at home’ I mean: isn’t taking care of the kids, isn’t working from a home office, and isn’t contributing significantly to the overall support and well-being of the household. Those who have kids or work out of the home should have an amount of housework that is proportionate to what others working external jobs should.

In other words, I think that each member of the household should contribute to it’s upkeep and cleaning in an amount equal to their other contributions. This includes kids older than toddlers (which I define as 5 and up). I’m a single father, so I can’t speak to what a spouse would do here, but in my house currently, my two girls are responsible for cleaning their room, folding their clothes and putting those clothes away. It’s easily within their capabilities, teaches them responsibility, makes for a couple less things I have to worry about, and has become such a habit that I generally don’t need to remind them. They also help lightly with other things such as loading the dishwasher and picking up the living room. The rest of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc is up to me.

In a dual-parent/married with no kids household, things are no different. Each of you will have your tired days where neither of you feels like doing housework, but that’s when equality comes into play. If you each have the support of the other to get things done, it will be much easier. Turn cooking and dishes into a joint effort. Make laundry time into some sort of game. Make vacuuming a fun experience by chasing the cat and watching them run for cover. OK, maybe not that last one, but the point is clear: make housework something you do together and it becomes less burdensome, goes faster and ends arguments about who is supposed to clean the toilets….

If one side or the other wants to argue, be tough. They don’t want to clean the bathroom? Bar them from using it somehow. That’ll change their mind quickly!

What IS it about David Tennant which so beguiles everyone? The straight ladies love him, and both lesbians and straight men seem willing to temporarily jump teams for him and have his baby!
P.S. It’s a little too soon to tell, but this also seems to be happening to a lesser extent with John Barrowman.

Well, it’s like this… they’re HOT. I’m one of those guys who could easily enjoy a dalliance with one of them based upon their screen personas. But let’s make it clear: I wouldn’t have sex with them though I’d have no problems with kissing. In that sense, I doubt I or many men would ’switch teams’ for them. But it’s perfectly ok for men or lesbians to find other men attractive just as I believe straight women and gay men can find women attractive. I firmly believe that relationships have as much to do with non-sexual interaction as sexual.

I have no doubt that if I met the right person and their personality captivated me that male or female I would fall for them. In the case of David Tennant, he has a lot of attractive qualities: he’s funny, smart (even more so ‘in character’), handsome, has that great accent and is not overly buff, which I think would deter many men from finding him handsome. A lot of men think other buff men aren’t all that, but maybe that’s just jealousy. The point is: David isn’t threatening to men any more than he is to women. The same is actually true for John Barrowman.

Plus, and let’s be honest, crushes can be fun, even more so sometimes when you KNOW they can never work out, which is why we tend to talk about our celebrity crushes so readily, right?

So for the sake of openness, here are my top ten male crushes:

1. John Barrowman (IRL he’s even better than Captain Jack IMHO)
2. David Tennant - For all of the reasons said above
3. George Clooney - Because he’s George!
4. Hugh Laurie - Talented, funny, British….
5. David Boreanaz - Also funny and a hunk!
6. Will Smith - Seems very genuine unlike many of his contemporaries and is talented as hell!
7. Colin Ferrell - Need I even explain?
8. Josh Duhamel - developed my crush on his character ‘Danny” on Las Vegas.
9. Ryan Reynolds - what can I say? I like a sense of humor!
10. Milo Ventimiglias - He… just… rocks….

Bonus 11th person: Colin Firth… I can’t believe I forgot about HIM!!!!

So… who are your crushes of the same sex (or different sexual persuasion)?

I feel like I hear from guys a lot that all women want is a guy with a good paycheck to support them. My most recent ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of only being with him for his money. Are there really a lot of women out there who are after guys only for their money? Or am I just running into the guys who have been stung badly in the past?

If there are, I haven’t run into them. I’ve certainly encountered (and dated) women who were turned on by the ability of someone to flash a big wad of cash and drop some dough on major purchases at a moments notice but I’ve never encountered any actual gold diggers.

That said, I’m certain there are women out there who are into guys only hoping to have a ’sugar daddy’ or a meal ticket for life. I’m also certain there are men out there looking for the same thing. I always have to wonder though: where’s their self-respect? IMHO, for a relationship to work out, the people need to have the ability to be equals of a sort. Not necessarily financially. But the drive to be able to support themselves should be as healthy as their drive for supporting each other. Co-dependency is not a good thing for relationships, and I think giving one or the other side any level of ‘control’ outside of consensual sub/dom stuff is a risk of the other controlling and emotionally abusing the one who they feel isn’t ‘equal.’ Again, that’s just my opinion.

It’s also been ingrained into the culture over the years (though now it’s turned into more of a joke, I think) that women should ‘marry rich.’ I think women are more self-supporting than that these days but the mentality is still out there. Hell, even in movies and TV a lot of times, the comment is made, though again, I think mostly in jest.

If your next boyfriend feels that way, it’s you have a discussion with him. As always, when in doubt, talk it out…. Find out what’s really going on in his head, because if he thinks that at all now, it’s a low level of continual distrust and insecurity the will poison the relationship. You don’t want it to fester and grow, so address it calmly and considerately sooner than later if it comes up.

Does it turn men on when women are interested in “men” things (ie., cars)?

This will be a short one tonight, as I really don’t have an answer for this. I. myself, could care less about most ‘men’ things such as cars, sports, weights, and so on. I would say it is a bit of a turn-on when the woman shares interests with you and so that could expand to those areas. It may also be a turn-on to break out of traditional gender-roles. Truthfully, I’m just not certain!

Anyone else care to comment on this one?

On a different note: BellaDonna, please email me and tell me who you are as I want to talk to you about co-authoring something! (advice @ mindlesspursuits.com)

I gotta question… push-up bras - false advertising or a good thing?

Both? I suspect that way back in the dawn of time, when a man first discovered the loin cloth, it wasn’t for protection so much as to hide that he was less well-endowed than his fellow males. After all, who could argue? They couldn’t see the goods! So he talked up the size of his trunk to get a mate and then they may or may not have been unhappy when they got back to the cave. It all depends upon how he wielded his club, I guess!

Through the ages, the false advertising on both sides has subtly shifted and altered, from girdles to the way swimsuits are cut to better flatter a particular figure to colognes and perfumes designed to create a falsely attractive scent. It seems to be in man and woman’s nature to put forth a potentially false image of themselves. Is this a bad thing? Only if it’s all you are putting forth or if the guy (or woman) is a complete ass only interested in that ONE thing!

As cliche as it sounds, what matters most is that person behind the ad, the one who came up with how to package themselves. If that person is appealing, long-term it’s going to be about more than just looks. If you want to put a little false advertising out there to get them to take a peek so that they can eventually get to know that person, hey - I’m OK with that. But if all you do is wrap yourself up in illusion and nothing more, then don’t be surprised if you end up with someone different in your life than you truly wanted.